Been gone awhile & can't find the way back home

[nsfwords]

I want to be more than I am,
and I struggle every way that I can. 
But despair wins again,
and depression sets back in. 
Try to remember these feelings are just
clouds across the sky of my reality. 
But they don't stop pouring rain
long enough for the sun to shine and nourish me. 

So writing is the first thing to go when I get overwhelmed by life again. The long gaps in my blogging are the archaeology of my depression. If I'm posting new stuff then I'm doing mighty fine, and I'm enjoying a moment of rest in a good mental place. But as soon as I hit that rocky ground filled with despair and the morass that is zero self-worth, the writing stops happening. The ideas don't stop, the desire pulses there so hotly it's another form of agony, but the ability to sit myself down and pour those ideas out onto the keyboard locks up tight. It's like lockjaw sets in and I starve for the very thing I'm not feeding myself. 

Then I write a mega angsty post about it and feel like a drama queen. 
Or, being just a little gentler on myself, maybe the angsty post serves the same purpose as sweeping the circle clear; you have to cleanse the negative energy somehow and reclaim your sacred ground. 

~BAM